{"id":188,"date":"2022-09-12T12:29:46","date_gmt":"2022-09-12T19:29:46","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/dekonstruktr.com\/tidepools\/?post_type=writing&#038;p=188"},"modified":"2022-10-08T11:19:42","modified_gmt":"2022-10-08T18:19:42","slug":"if-you-knew-me-you-would-know","status":"publish","type":"writing","link":"https:\/\/dekonstruktr.com\/tidepools\/writing\/if-you-knew-me-you-would-know\/","title":{"rendered":"&#8220;if you knew me you would know&#8221;"},"content":{"rendered":"\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">If you knew me you would know that just because my illness is <\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">invisible it doesn\u2019t mean i am not sick.<br>i can wear a smile just as good as everyone else.<br>a mask carefully put on each day in front of the mirror <\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">with the happy expression etched on in permanent <\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">marker \u201clooking\u201d healthy means nothing.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\"><\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">If you knew me you would know that since 12 years old i have been pleading with my <\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">body not to be so broken<br>my cries a scratched and broken record again <\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">and again and<br>again.<br>you expect me to be loud about my pain, the long, harsh scream of a barn <\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">owl but so many suffer in silence.<br>my pain is the quiet melody of a finch. i turned my pain into a song of resilience<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\"><\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">If you knew me you would know <\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">that i am made to feel like a <\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">burden<br>because my body doesn\u2019t quite work right. a gear in the wrong place <\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">maybe i don\u2019t want to cancel my plans with you<br>i don\u2019t want to bring my own food wherever i go<br>i don\u2019t want to forget your name or stumble over my words because the fog in my brain is too <\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">thick i don\u2019t want to lie flat on a bench in the middle of an amusement park because i am too <\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">dizzy and nauseous to stand straight.<br>the world keeps passing <\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">me by i don\u2019t<br>i <\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">do<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">n\u2019t <\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">i<br>don\u2019t<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">If you knew me you would know that your words hurt <\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">me more than my own body does<br>pricks of needles. swarms of invisible <\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">insects. when i am told every day<br>that <em>it isn\u2019t that bad<\/em> <\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">when i am told that <\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">i am <em>just being <\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\"><em>dramatic<\/em><br>when i am asked if <em>it is really real<\/em><br>or, perhaps even worse, when nothing is said <\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">at all Your words hurt me more than my own <\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">body does<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">If you knew me you would know that <\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">sometimes, i have a hard time speaking up <\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">for myself.<br>a small child with something to say but the world is too <\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">busy to stop<br>a<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">n<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">d <\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">ju<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">st<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">li<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">st<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">en.<br>i need someone to be my advocate when i can\u2019t<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">If you knew me you would know that my pain doesn\u2019t <\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">stop my moment by moment choice to live with <\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">purpose<br>with love<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">If you knew me you would know that<br>like large hands trying to handle a paper <\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">crane i am still learning to be gentle with <\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">my body<br>so please<br><em>i am begging you<\/em><br>be gentle with me too<\/p>\n","protected":false},"template":"","meta":[],"genre":[29,26],"year":[44],"class_list":["post-188","writing","type-writing","status-publish","hentry","genre-poetry","genre-writing","year-44"],"acf":{"contributor":"Lily Chamberlain","bio":"Lily is passionate about anything and everything. Her pastimes include trying to keep her plants alive, hanging out with friends and family, loving Jesus and loving people, and any creative pursuits. To her, writing is a form of self-expression and a way to empathize with others.","text":"","contributor_page":[258]},"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/dekonstruktr.com\/tidepools\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/writing\/188","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/dekonstruktr.com\/tidepools\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/writing"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/dekonstruktr.com\/tidepools\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/writing"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/dekonstruktr.com\/tidepools\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=188"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"genre","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/dekonstruktr.com\/tidepools\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/genre?post=188"},{"taxonomy":"year","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/dekonstruktr.com\/tidepools\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/year?post=188"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}